At this point, I should be doing my issue memo on the Liberal perspective of International Political Economy due tomorrow. However, a sudden surge of emotion renders me quite incapable of doing it right now.

But I digress.

Life has a way of throwing in these little surprises during the most unexpected times. And I have this tendency to impulsively act on my current emotions and enjoy the present, while undermining the consequences that might occur. I’d like to think that after how some of those surprises turned out before, I have learned to handle it better. Now, I’m a lot less impulsive, and I have learned to acknowledge what I am capable of.

To those who are concerned, I have been talking about how a huge part of me is just not ready. How I want to stay away from any kind of emotional complication. Drama. Conflict. I’ve been telling myself that I couldn’t handle any more emotional baggage.

But maybe I’m kidding myself with that reality. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from surviving last sem, it would be that I am capable of a lot of things. This is not a matter of what I can handle. Because believe it or not, I probably can.

Pinagpasyahan ko na ito dati. Siguro, hindi ko lang naalala. Nasabi ko na sa sarili ko na handa ako, pero ayoko.

I want other things for myself.

And right now, the only thing I want is for me to be able to accomplish those personal goals I have set out for myself after…everything. For now, those goals will be unmentioned. I’d like to think this is not some selfish pursuit. I guess there is some truth to that, but I know deep inside this is what I need. And yes, there may be room for regret later on, but ultimately, it’s something I know will be good for me and for the person I can be.

Yes, I have lost sight of some of these goals.

Maybe this is why life starts throwing in these little surprises now. And I can’t help but be thankful for the many manifestations of this silver-lining. Everything that’s happening right now signals new realities and realizations that only bring a positive spin to what I have and haven’t lost. It is also comforting to know that even with a heart-breaking past, I am still capable of opening up. More importantly, I have come to realize that I also have the strength to do otherwise.

Thank you.

But I need this.