Good morning, world. It’s 7:40am and I’m here in the Ateneo typing the early wee hours away inside the RSF. Blame it on my two early-bird sisters, who made me wake up at 5:30 for a 9:30am class. So, what best way to waste time than contemplative blogging 101.

First of all, let me thank all those wonderful people who commented at my previous emo-ridden entry. To those who txted and expressed their concern, let me just say that all of you guys really helped lift my spirits up. I would want to hug y’all. haha. It’s amazing how you guys tried to interpret what I said, and found it in you to relate to me and my drama-queen-esque mode. I think I’ve perfected (or at least close to) the subtle way of expressing my raw and assertive emotions discreetly and vaguely.

Right now, I’m better. I’ve been striving for positive vibes, and at least now, I think I know where to get them from. Of course, I still think I’m pretty much unstable – relapses here and there. But I am coping. My friends and family have been wonderful people to draw strength from. But there are still so many feelings to sort through. I do know that I’ll eventually find my way through them at the right time.

I guess being stuck in gray areas do that to you, and I’ve never really liked that. I experience everything at the extremes, leaving no room for half-half realities. Of course, I know that certain things happen that blur the lines of a black and white scenario. And it is during these times that I crumble. Mostly because it’s so hard for me to grasp at something not entirely there.

That’s why matters of the heart call out for an entirely different game. And the freakin gray area is in a totally different playing field. It is a mishmash of realities beyond my control that entails a much bigger risk. And sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it is all worth it. Having my own share of heartbreaks, I’ve learned to be very careful. Become less impulsive. Not one to be easily driven by one’s feelings (a far cry from say…7 years ago?). I try to weigh things, with the knowledge of what I can give, sacrifice and handle. I can control myself now.

Or so I’d like to think.

Ha. But really, I’m better. For now, things are viewed at a different light. The struggle for clarity is there, but it is slowly being appeased. More importantly, there is acceptance in my part. I’m still quite volatile, and I’m betting my schizo modes will still get the best of me, but at least I’ve found some silver lining – something to cling on to.

This is going to be another leap of faith. Am I going to regret this? Sigh. Well, it’s a good thing then that I don’t believe in regrets.