27 December 2013

The Challenge is to put out a flame

Categorized under: Personal

A flame that ravages your emotions to a dangerous extent. The impulsive, stubborn kind that lingers despite rational acquiescence. It furthers a kind of vapid discontent that once succumbed to, resonates through your heart and leaves you miserable.

Perhaps to find that kind of power within oneself to overcome the Challenge requires even more of you than you would ever allow yourself to. Restraint, after all, requires a lot more willpower, discipline, and strength than one would ever thought so.

For fiery, impulsive, reactive, souls like mine, perhaps, restraint is even more imperative. There is an immediate need to silence that moment where bitterness, spite, jealousy, regret, discontent, and all other selfish feelings may arise.

But the Challenge, far exceeds the moment of restraint.

It is moving past that moment, and wholeheartedly understanding why it should be done. It is through this point, where the Challenge suddenly becomes a Struggle — to continuously weigh everything in, accept, and not dwell in ones own selfish yearnings. It is not about how logic, rationality, and common sense can find its way in your thoughts to dictate the answers to the whys and hows. It requires the strength to find conviction within you and realise that it is not about you sometimes.

And even if that requires, going through inspiring Instagram feeds, brief silent prayers, and a packet of TimTams, then so it should be done.

15 December 2013

The day before

Categorized under: Holiday, Personal

It has been an emotional but absolutely wonderful day.

It’s the kind of emotion that questions thoughts of satisfaction and eludes happiness. Perhaps at the end of every sentiment, question, longing, desire, doubt, remorse, and elation (all of which filled a day’s worth and more), there lies a lot of acceptance and gratitude.

The kind that makes you feel like you can throw caution to the wind knowing that you feel even more alive than ever— and that life itself makes you feel like you’re part of something bigger than what you initially thought it could be.

Maybe that’s just me being a tad overdramatic than I usually am.

But when there surfaces a kind of longing to write something and express myself, then maybe it’s also my way of preserving the kind of emotion that questions thoughts of satisfactions and eludes happiness.

Just because it is hopeless to quantify. To put some label. To let words make its mark. To let the day end without any sense of acknowledgment.

And maybe, this may be just a day.

Or maybe, it’s a culmination of days that was and that has always been.

Or maybe, it will just be the kind of random cathartic process that I terribly miss and should continue to indulge in.

Whatever it is that questions and eludes me, it is both overwhelmingly powerful, and spiritual.

Happy holidays!

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Yes, it has been almost six months since. Time for me to backtrack someday, somehow.

25 June 2013

The Recovering Patient

Categorized under: Personal

There is so much of the human psyche in today’s world that continuously contemplates emotion, addresses existentialism, and thrives on vanity. Young professionals or the youth themselves do not really realise that there are (some) things outside of their control that can instantly trigger that kind of physical desperation brought about by a physical breakdown. Because in that moment, nothing else matters more than getting rid of the pain, the sickness, the freaking organ that seems to pull every inch of your body to hell.

Once they’re gone, the process of recovery start to be more challenging than actual pain. Because as the recovering patient is finally in the confines of her own room—deplete of doctors, and on-the-clock check-ups from nurses, she is left with herself and her recovering body.

The recovering body wills to move forward but fails to take a step. The patient seeks to be productive but ends up feigning in comfort. They both drown in a sea of restlessness and end up entrapped with nothing but their thoughts.

Oh, those thoughts.

Thoughts that simulate strength and indulge fantasy become a place to seek solitude.

Just enough for the recovering patient to let go of the urge to move, and allow more time to listen.

To listen to Him, to her family, to the people she loves, and most importantly, to her body.

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I was rushed to the ER twice last week. The first night due to acid reflux, and the second night to appendicitis. Hence, I had an appendectomy (my first surgery ever) and was confined to the hospital for 2 days. I haven’t made any decent amount of studying since.

25 May 2013

Chaos and Peace

Categorized under: Personal

Chaos and Peace You revel at the kind of solace you’ll find at the end of the spiralling, chaotic, painful mess that you once haphazardly create. You start discovering and rediscovering as you stumble upon feelings you never thought would ever surface. You take a pause during the most mundane moments and blindly fall for the grandest gestures. You start figuring out the risks, contemplating what lies ahead, and thinking that maybe the bridge can just be crossed at a time most appropriate.

But what is most appropriate manifests itself during the most inconvenient instances. And you are left with what can be gleaned as a deceptive crossroad. Where your feelings already know what your thoughts cannot seem to fathom. Where the choices you have are mere desperate attempts to cover the truth. Where you gape at your own self and acknowledge that every inch of you is fighting to fight the pain with more pain, guilt with more guilt.

Slowly, sometimes swiftly, you scramble to pick up the pieces left behind. The decisions expel naught, but ultimately, embody everything. There maybe something to the fact that the truth sets you free. There maybe peace. There maybe love. There maybe gratitude. Maybe. Hopefully.

Above image is not mine and grabbed from: Anna Sardar’s Pinterest.