Back in college, weekends feel like an extension of the weekday. It’s like an extra day to rehearse for a play, attend a required school event or meet with your groupmates to discuss some school-related group work. There’s no need to make an effort to ‘make the most out of the weekend.’

Apparently, after you graduate, weekends become far more precious. There’s actually some effort into celebrating and doing all the other extra things you couldn’t do during the weekday. Such sentiment is not only for those who are slaves to the working class, but is shared fondly by law students alike. We lead pretty much predictable – yet ridiculously expensive lives lounging around the Rockwell perimeter. During weekends, if people aren’t studying, watching movies or eating and drinking, they’re off to some spontaneous trip somewhere. My blockmates have watched 5 out of the 6 movies in Powerplant already. Such a great way to de-stress. Everyone’s looking forward to the change of movies soon!

The effort of setting up weekend dinners with my closest friends ends up to be one of those pre-weekend events we all look forward to. Last night, we were all talking about our little brothers and sisters celebrating their own weekend with parties, debuts and their blooming social lives that hardly resembled ours back then. I mean I still get a little uncomfortable to hear my 17-year old sister open up to me about her own issues with boys and life in general. The minute I feel like a teensy bit old, the reality of the next few years of my life mapped out till I turn 26 sinks in and I realize how I still have so much to strive hard for. But it’s okay, I’ve reconciled with that fact already. According to one of my professors in law school during his most inspiring talk about most of the Ateneo Law School graduates, one needs to be a visionary. To look ahead. To be driven...

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Nor can I just let go of this place. :( I used to find joy reading my old posts and feeling both shame and triumph over reminiscing through the good/bad/maybe-ugly ol’ days.

Failing to ‘document’ or write about law school here sinks deep and drowns beneath pools of regret. The experience of starting this new venture and going through all the inexplicable emotions of being a first year law student in Ateneo should be THE EXPERIENCE worth rambling about for the world to care even less. Mostly, it is totally regretful in my part that I won’t be able to have anything here for purposes of nostalgia.

And so that will have to change.

My life may have dramatically changed over the past few months, but I leave no room for excuses to stop being able to express myself. Especially now.

In this little bubble, I continue to study, struggle and learn everyday. Perhaps it can be said that the experience can only be fully understood by those who tread the same paths. I feel like a different person everyday and the mere thought of such renders me both excited and troubled. Albeit how corny I may sound: I do feel like I am more in touched with the world and reality as I try to learn more about the law. I grow with it, with the statusquo, with the people around me and with my ambitions and dreams.

My professors always say that knowledge of the law is incredibly powerful. You know it when you start learning, and you believe in it, once you see it at work. The experience might be disheartening to some, but the overwhelming feeling of understanding its purpose is enough to make me realize that it really could be all worth it.

Off to continue studying for our midterms now. It’s going to be a two whole weeks of intense studying. Please pray for all of us!

Why did I choose today to suddenly make an attempt to randomly “scribble” something down just to keep this blog semi-alive? I have a class at 11am until 5pm. It’s gonna be an intense day and I feel like I am not even half ready to get through it. Not to mention my StatCon report today.

I can’t even think straight while writing this down because I know I should really go and get dressed up now.

All I can say is that these are troubling times for me. I am struggling not to break down and continue fighting every day. I try to remain optimistic even if it feels so impossible.

I need some sort of cathartic outlet. Hopefully, this blog will be updated once again. And to those who are sick of my law-school babble, I am truly sorry. It’s difficult to burst out of this bubble, and I fear that I will fail if I do.

I. SHOULD. REALLY. GO.

ADDENDUM: On a brighter note, I do have a reason to celebrate. Happy Anniversary to meeeee! :)

So far, law school feels so mechanical. A huge chunk of my life has suddenly been reduced to a routine of endless studying and memorizing. My brain attempts to be a sponge by absorbing massive amounts of information, yet I feel like it fails to do so. My capacity to store information verbatim is not as good as it was back in High School. I struggle occasionally, but I pray that it will eventually improve. Brain cells, work with me!

It feels like ALS ORSEM happened ages ago instead of a month. Law school makes you lose track of time as it traps you in some sort of bubble that you share with yourself, your blockmates and the law. The love-hate relationship assumes an unmatchable force and lately, I can’t help but feel so emotional. Which really just sucks.

There are surprisingly no questions asked wondering why I’m here. I’ve found a personal reason and it is deeply satisfying for now. I am slowly finding my place and adjusting. It’s been okay for the most part.

What ravages through mornings of non-stop studying is some kind of pressure. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of pressure back in High School or College. It’s different now. Grad school makes you feel different. And the people around you makes it feel different.

I’m finding my balance on the way I have viewed the world before and the way studying the law makes me put things into a different perspective. It is refreshing and interesting to reconcile both and find personal clarity amidst all the readings and recits. Let’s just hope that the next few months will continue to be good to me.